Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
To fully heal, do you need to fully "feel"?
After my 53 yr. old, healthy dad was tragically killed in a car accident, he was buried less than 24 hrs. afterward, and I wasn't allowed to be at his funeral. Nor did I see a picture of his broken body. Sure, most people wouldn't like to view the body of a loved one in such a state, and some even would like to skip funerals. For me, I have a hard time healing, unless I am able to face the pain and feel it. Without seeing him, or even a picture, it was hard to get closure on the shock of his death.
After almost 3 years of being in America, and saying goodbye to everything and everyone familiar, Serena is having a homesick spell. I've told anyone who asks about her adjustments, that she's never been homesick. She seemed oddly aloof when we met up with her mother for the last time in Ethiopia and said goodbye. (Of course she had already been in an orphanage, and her mother was no longer part of her life.) Serena has never cried about missing her homeland or relationships she left behind. Yet.
The one thing I know has grieved her from day one is that she has no baby pictures. She often has looked through our other children's pictures and family pictures and commented on how she wished she had pictures of her when she was little. I got a brainstorm about how I maybe I could make it a little easier for her. I started going through the web with her, looking up images of Ethiopia - babies, huts, herding animals, traditional dress, churches, food - whatever she remembers specifically. I saved any picture that she commented on remembering - of course they aren't the exact thing, person or place, but they would be like what she remembered. I hope to get them printed in a book, so she can have her own memory book. While we were going through all these pictures, the food ones kept coming up. She kept mentioning that she was getting hungry and then she asked if I would please cook her some Ethiopian food. We still have some tef - the flour they use to make injera and some spices they use also. So, I agreed, and we spent the next couple hours together in the kitchen making chicken stew (dora wat), injera, vegetable stew and beef and peppers. I have to steel my stomach a bit for it, until I get used to the idea, as it is very different. (One recipe called for onions, cinnamon, nutmeg, paprika, etc.- spices I would never normally put together.) The smell of the food cooking took me back to our time in Ethiopia - it is distinct ~ and Serena was very happy. She (and Stu) thoroughly enjoyed the meal, even though the rest of our kids opted for cereal. Serena even wanted me to pack some leftovers in a thermos to take to school. I asked her if she would be embarressed, and she said "no!", like "why would I?" So off she went this morning - I do wonder what others will think! I did send along a fork, and hopefully she uses it - although typically, you tear off pieces of injera and pick up the stews with the pancake-like injera. I'm sure those around her will get an education!
As I was doing Kira's hair this morning, she told me that after she had gone to sleep last night, she woke back up to Serena' sobbing. She asked her what was the matter, and Serena said she missed her mom in Ethiopia. Poor dear. All that Ethiopia talk, pictures, food, etc. must have gotten to her. As it was a rush getting them out the door to school, I didn't get a chance to ask Serena about it. I'm looking forward to sitting down with her and talking about it. I can't imagine not missing her mom and Ethiopia, if I were her. Instead of getting fearful, I'm hopeful that even though it's so much later, timewise, that the pain she feels and her expression through it, might not be a bad thing. I'm hoping that like me, she may begin to heal in ways she hasn't yet, if she allows herself to feel her sorrow.
After almost 3 years of being in America, and saying goodbye to everything and everyone familiar, Serena is having a homesick spell. I've told anyone who asks about her adjustments, that she's never been homesick. She seemed oddly aloof when we met up with her mother for the last time in Ethiopia and said goodbye. (Of course she had already been in an orphanage, and her mother was no longer part of her life.) Serena has never cried about missing her homeland or relationships she left behind. Yet.
The one thing I know has grieved her from day one is that she has no baby pictures. She often has looked through our other children's pictures and family pictures and commented on how she wished she had pictures of her when she was little. I got a brainstorm about how I maybe I could make it a little easier for her. I started going through the web with her, looking up images of Ethiopia - babies, huts, herding animals, traditional dress, churches, food - whatever she remembers specifically. I saved any picture that she commented on remembering - of course they aren't the exact thing, person or place, but they would be like what she remembered. I hope to get them printed in a book, so she can have her own memory book. While we were going through all these pictures, the food ones kept coming up. She kept mentioning that she was getting hungry and then she asked if I would please cook her some Ethiopian food. We still have some tef - the flour they use to make injera and some spices they use also. So, I agreed, and we spent the next couple hours together in the kitchen making chicken stew (dora wat), injera, vegetable stew and beef and peppers. I have to steel my stomach a bit for it, until I get used to the idea, as it is very different. (One recipe called for onions, cinnamon, nutmeg, paprika, etc.- spices I would never normally put together.) The smell of the food cooking took me back to our time in Ethiopia - it is distinct ~ and Serena was very happy. She (and Stu) thoroughly enjoyed the meal, even though the rest of our kids opted for cereal. Serena even wanted me to pack some leftovers in a thermos to take to school. I asked her if she would be embarressed, and she said "no!", like "why would I?" So off she went this morning - I do wonder what others will think! I did send along a fork, and hopefully she uses it - although typically, you tear off pieces of injera and pick up the stews with the pancake-like injera. I'm sure those around her will get an education!
As I was doing Kira's hair this morning, she told me that after she had gone to sleep last night, she woke back up to Serena' sobbing. She asked her what was the matter, and Serena said she missed her mom in Ethiopia. Poor dear. All that Ethiopia talk, pictures, food, etc. must have gotten to her. As it was a rush getting them out the door to school, I didn't get a chance to ask Serena about it. I'm looking forward to sitting down with her and talking about it. I can't imagine not missing her mom and Ethiopia, if I were her. Instead of getting fearful, I'm hopeful that even though it's so much later, timewise, that the pain she feels and her expression through it, might not be a bad thing. I'm hoping that like me, she may begin to heal in ways she hasn't yet, if she allows herself to feel her sorrow.
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