Parents and Children - from the NIV Application Commentary

Ephesians 6:1-4 NIV translation
1Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2"Honor your father and mother" -which is the first commandment with a promise-3"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
4Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Our pastor read part of this on Sunday. Thought it was too good not to share.

This piece PARENTS & CHILDREN is from the NIV Application Commentary on Ephesians by Kline Snodgrass.

Parents and Children (6:1-4). The text addresses children first because that is the subject of the traditional house codes. Ideally parents should be addressed first, for they nurture long before children can obey. This text is an attempt to ring into the home the ethic of 4:1-5; 21.

1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4There is one body and one Spirit- just as you were called to one hope when you were called - 5one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 21Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus.

Humility, tolerant love, and mutual submission belong first of all in the family.
Unfortunately, too many people, including Christians, have a public and a private persona. They appear as warm, congenial, righteous people in public, but are demons at home. We are our worst selves with the people closest to us. Christians should have only one persona, or we are no longer living in truth. We need to live tirelessly the humility, tolerant love, and mutual submission of the gospel both in private and in public. The most important witness we have is at stake – the witness within our families.
Life is painful when children turn their back on the Christian faith of their parents, but it is tragic when the misconduct and hypocrisy of their parent has caused them to do so. Integrity of faith starts in the family.
Parents. Being a parent is a hard job, but if God grants a person the privilege, nothing in life is more important. As brief as verse 4 is, the instructions cover a lot of ground: nurture and do not exasperate (or make angry). The practical consequences of this instruction include:

(1) creating a context of grace, love, support, respect, and encouragement
(2) always speaking the truth in love
(3) attending to the material and emotional needs of children
(4) teaching, enlightening, warning, holding accountable, and disciplining, all as part of life lived to Christ; giving them a theology
(5) giving experiences, especially in work and in caring for others
(6) refusing to put down, demean, or damage them (shrill and angry speech does not belong)
(7) rejecting jealousy and contempt
(8) granting freedom within legitimate boundaries
(9) avoiding unhealthy pressure or expectations
(10) refusing to live through the children.

All this takes time, communication skill, and discipline. Care of children is never an afterthought. In our society frequently both parents work outside the home, and children suffer. Christian parents need to think through this issue and how schedules can be arranged so that children receive attention. Communication skill is required, for children are constantly changing and every child is different. Without attention not only to what is said, but how it is heard, the relation will not flourish.
Then, as the guidelines suggest, parents discipline themselves first. They need to have good mental health, for their children’s lives depend on it. It is never too late to implement these guidelines, but they should start when the child is an infant. Mental illness is by and large caused by an absence of or defect in love that a child requires. The feeling of value essential for good mental health is acquired in childhood and is difficult to find later in life.
The teenage years do not have to be times of rebellion and disrespect. In fact, they can be some of the most enjoyable years, for teenagers are old enough to enter into discussion and participate in a range of activities that smaller children cannot. Parents should affirm repeatedly that they are on their children’s side; they should be for their children. They are not the enemy. No one is perfect, but families can work together to enable each other.
A wrong turn. Focus on children, however, can become an idolatry of children or a wrongful indulging of them. Both of these lead to heartache. Like all else, being a parent is subsumed under life in Christ. Children are not the goal of life, but a context for living out life in Christ. The family is the primary place for discipleship.
Children. In effect, children are asked to give back what their parents give them: respect and love within the framework of their commitment to Christ. By obedience they give attention to parents, express their gratitude, and seek to assist. This is still the proper response for Christian children.
Obedience should never be blind obedience. The ideal situation within the text assumes the parents’ request is legitimate, but sometimes parents are insensitive or misguided in what they ask. Children too must learn to speak the truth in love, and their obedience to parents cannot mean disobedience to Christ. The most difficult circumstances for Christian children involve parents who are antithetical to Christianity or who are not emotionally balanced. Families are not only the primary place for discipleship; sometimes they are the most trying place. But even in extreme cases children must still love and respect their parents.
This is true not merely for small children and adolescents. In the ancient world, obligations to parents extended to death. We will not show obligation in the same way, but adult children must still honor their parents. Honor requires care and attention. Even totally independent children can and should learn from parents – and teach them – throughout life. Granted, past sins or present demeanor sometimes make relations intolerable, but for good or ill our psyche is tied up with our parents. We are rarely whole without being whole with them. Admittedly, circumstances sometimes are so bad that direct communication is harmful, but we need to find ways to address each other, honor our parents before God, exercise forgiveness, and speak the truth in love. Vengeance and punishment cannot be the goals, for they do not fit with the cross of Christ.
In our day, possibly the crying need in honoring parents has to do with care for the aging. We do not do it well, and no easy answers exist. Institutional help is sometimes necessary, but many institutions for the elderly leave a lot to be desired. If honor involves care and attention, we cannot marginalize and forget elderly family members by removing them from sight.